Home > you and me > you and me – POSTCARD #21

you and me – POSTCARD #21

Sent in by my beautiful friend Lucy. I wish I was the kind of writer that read the word ‘entwine’ and saw two furry little things on roller skates and wrote something a little less achy. oh well.

entwine

When I wake up entwined in him, before real consciousness creeps in, I know this moment is why I do it.  I kiss his back before he wakes up. He’s my friend, a good friend and I know I can’t lose him. Because he doesn’t love me. He knows the secret language you learn to speak when you’re lost at sea.  He can keep me afloat as long as I don’t love him. So I dull the edges. I drink. I chain smoke. I swallow the pills one by one at different times of the day so no one catches on. I break down and cry in somebody’s arms one night. I can’t remember what it was that he said. I just remember the feeling of my head on his chest as the tears finally came hard and choking the way they always eventually did. I wonder how much I told him. The cab driver wants to know why I’m crying. He wants to know why I can’t remember my pin number. He gives me his mobile phone number and tells me I can give him the rest of the money another time. I hitch. The kindness of strangers always does that to me. I stumble out of the cab and try to find his new house. He calls and leads me to his arms and I don’t have any more memories. He murmurs words into my skin that maybe I dream. The last time I cried in front of him was when he told me he could never love me.  I covered my face with my hands and let the tears come silently.  But I was hiding my eyes too, so he couldn’t see that if he ever did love me, he would lose me.

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  1. May 18, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    I’ve read this four times so far… sigh. x o x

  2. May 19, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Keep writing these YT. I can’t comment on all of them(as saying wonderful on each just doesn’t seem to cover it) but I really enjoy them.
    This one especially.

  3. May 19, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    I loved this with my whole heart x

    ps.the postcard is strange but wonderful!

  4. May 19, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    yas.
    i knew it was coming, but the achy in this still sucker-punched me anyway.
    your first sentence is the kind of first sentence dbc pierre was talking about recently in a workshop when he said, ‘no matter what you write, start with a fuck-off first sentence.’ yours got me in my gut and twisted, holding me there, in place for a long time.
    i do devour these postcards. without manners, grace or utensils. heart in hand in mouth. devour.
    xx

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