Dear Drunk Me – a letter
Dear Drunk Me,
Remember when we first met? Down on the beach crowded around a fire with bogans in skinny jeans well before skinny jeans were ironic then just popular again. You were so confident, braying jokes and letting the alpha bogans slide their hands over your arse. You liked bourbon. Well, you drank it like you liked it.
I don’t know why I’m asking if you remember. You’re sneaky when it comes to that. I wonder what you do in those black holes? What your face looks like. Does anyone notice I’m not there anymore?
I know you like to impress friends and strangers with dolphin impressions. I know that when you find a party hat you insist to the birthday girl that it is in fact your birthday and you’d appreciate it if she’d stop trying to steal it. I know that you want to fuck everyone.
It’s like a disease. You’ve been laid so many more times that me that we don’t even exist in the same sexual stratosphere. You ride strange men like you have a whip in your hand. Sometimes you do. I think it would be nice to meet someone that wasn’t a complete jerk. You magnetise them to you.
You’re clumsy. Your mascara smudges under your eyes. The bruises on my arms and legs last for weeks. I bruise so easily and permanent. Someone looked at my legs once and asked if I was in an accident. Like a trip to hospital kind of accident. Most people think it’s rough sex. Or dudes that beat on me. You spice things up and make it all three.
I appreciate the little games and challenges you set up for me before you leave. Like the finding my house keys game. Broken necklaces. Lost bras. Unreadable scribbled epiphanies about something terribly important.
You take some serious bullshit liberties with my phone. I know it might seem like a fun toy. The buttons are shiny and bright. But sleeping friends aren’t as interested in knowing what you’re doing as you think. Nor do they want to come out and stop being such soft-cocks for staying in their beds at 4am.
My exes’ might want to hear from you but they usually don’t. It’s worse when they do and I wake up beside them.
I don’t mind apologising for you. They know what you’re like.
Everyone does. You’re likeable.
But you’re sort of a dick. You eat at 7-11 and McDonalds. Only dicks eat there. Everyone knows that. You can’t write worth a shit and you bring Hungover Me over to sloth around the house like a jerk.
But you’re around all the time. Good times. That’s you. Not as if you ever get maudlin and think about the alcoholic chain of command you’re only positive goes back as far as your mother. Not as if demons worked out over the years of meds and therapy and breathing exercises ever slink out of the wormwood.
Oh and you’ve never, ever contemplated suicide.
So you might be around for a while. I don’t know. One day I might just put the stopper back in, Jenie. I might just choose boring and nervous and socially awkward over you.
I know I’m not done with you yet. I just wonder what you’ll do with me in the meantime. And that’s the crux, huh? The wondering? Maybe you’ll behave. Maybe you’ll fuck everything up. At least you’re not predictable.
We can always agree on that.
See you soon,
Sober Me.
P.s. Stop asking people to bite you.
2011 Pedestrian Blogster Awards
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lamb eats wolf has been nominated as a finalist for the 2011 Pedestrian Blogster Awards and voting is open now until the 26th of September.
If you like my words and projects and general gibberish, click on the link above and vote by clicking the like option under my icon.
It’s kind of a nice thing. I didn’t think anyone but my friends really payed attention. Or dudes trying to cyber bang me.
Ah, see, it’s probably sentences like the last one there why my mother doesn’t pay attention. Probably a good thing.
Hope you’re happy.
Thank you.
x
taste test – NOUNS you can nibble on for free
There are a bunch of new stories going up at HOUSEFIRE at the moment to promote NOUNS OF ASSEMBLAGE and also just to have some damn good fun with words.
The whole process behind this and most of HOUSEFIRE’S projects are to challenge writers with prompts and see what the hell comes out of that dark mess of word and image association.
The title I was given for the book was A GANG OF ELK. I don’t want to give too much away – but I came up with something to do with migraines, sexual frustration, heartbreak and masturbation. Any of you reading this familiar with me aren’t surprised in the least, I know, but that’s the best thing about this party. You kind of get strapped down and ordered to write. The masochist in me likes that a lot. So does the control freak actually.
So far they’ve had gems from the likes of Riley Michael Parker, Tyler Gobble, David Tomaloff, Robert Duncan Gray, Len Kuntz, J. Bradley, Stephen Tully Dierks and Drew Swenhaugen.
Babes, the lot of them.
Oh and me. If you would like to jump right to my SNEAK OF WEASEL here you go – have a nibble, then a bite, and if you like the taste go and gorge yourself on the pretty shiny book, available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
Image sourced from teannagrace
HOUSEFIRE HAPPINESS – Nouns of Assemblage Release
If I really was a wolf instead of just a lamb that eats them, I would be howling in happiness right now, strutting around on my hind legs swinging my pocket watch that I keep in my waistcoat.
The words are going well. My favourite artist told me I was their favourite writer last night.
I wish I had recorded it so I could listen to the phrase all day like a creep.
Instead I’m going to show you something just as wonderous. The babes at HOUSEFIRE have released their FIRST BOOK, a collection that I’m lucky enough to be included in, and it’s a DOOZY.
“NOUNS OF ASSEMBLAGE, 222 pages of stunning fiction, rad poetry, clever witticisms, and slick design, can now be yours to own forever. Stories include AN AMBUSH OF TIGERS by Kevin Sampsell, A BUILDING OF ROOK by Matthew Simmons, A HUDDLE OF PENGUINS by J. A. Tyler, A BUSINESS OF FLIES by xTx, A SMACK OF JELLYFISH by Stephen Tully Dierks, AND. SO. MUCH. MORE. Like fifty-eight additional authors kind of more. It’s a pretty solid book.“
There are so many of my favourite writers in here, I get prickles knowing that my little NOUN is in there too. You can get yourself a copy here from Amazon for $12.95. Yep, a real live book with a spine and everything.
If I haven’t sold the radness enough by now, try this trailer Riley Michael Parker and Colleen Rowley made.
xox
peek a boo
Here I am. Honestly. I haven’t been as slack as the date of my last post suggests. I’ve been doing lots of writery things. I have missed you though, so I thought I might drop in and say hello.
There’s this lovely site called birdville magazine, run by the incredibly sweet and talented Jeremy Ohlback that has a piece of mine up called blackberries.
I had another piece, Candy Comes Back, published with Wufniks which makes me happy that one of my favourite stories and places to read got together. They also have this cool little section that asks Where Are You?
Both pieces are about dysfunctional relationships between women. One of them happens to be dead.
My ongoing love affair with Housefire is blossoming into something more wonderful and strange every day.
After another amazing prompt I wrote the piece THE PROCESS OF PRECIPITATING SNOW for them, then Riley Michael Parker interviewed me, which includes a lot of forcing me to write tiny stories as answers. If you’re into that sort of thing you can have a look here, TWO INTERVIEWS WITH YT SUMNER. Note the awesome Jessica Tremp striking again with my author’s pic.
If you read all the way to the end you see a little bomb dropped casually which explains why the You & Me project has been on a little hiatus. I’m writing a book. Especially for Housefire. It’s a little one, but so are most of my short stories. I don’t want to say too much because I’ve got to get back to finishing it now. And I’m completely elated and terrified about it.
Okay, that’s enough for now. I promise to be a better friend and stay in contact more. You can stalk me more efficiently on my Facebook Page. I’m there far too often for my own good.
By the way, if you clicked all the links in this post, you win a pony.
Seriously, it’s on its way to your house right now.
xox
CRUSH OF THE MONTH – HOUSEFIRE – or the one where I post a lot of links
Housefire are a literary journal that make my eyes hurt with pleasure. I was introduced to them through the gorgeous writer Shannon Peil (also the editor of the lit journal amphibi.us) who asked if I wanted in on this prompt/chain title thingy this journal was orchestrating. I’d never heard of them before but trust Shannon’s judgement enough just to say yes because he asked.
Next thing I knew they’d published my piece ‘Making Connections‘, the title I chose from the three that Shannon sent me and I started reading through their archives. He then wrote an AMAZING piece from one of my title suggestions ‘Perfect Skin‘.
The work on there is some of the best around that I read on the web. No fooling. They are fresh.
They are related to the wonderful journal ‘Metazen‘ another one of my faves. How, I don’t know. I’m too scared to ask.
The completely adorable and off-kilter editor, Riley Michael Parker, then sent me a prompt in the form of a video and asked me to write a piece of flash fiction immediately after.
This is what he sent me -
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This is what I wrote – ‘The Elvis I Prefer To Masturbate To‘.
Also to be sure to check out Riley’s ‘bios’ of the writers underneath each piece. Works of goddamn art.
Housefire’s home is here – Housefire
And you can follow them on Facebook here – Housefire
I highly recommend doing both.
x
you and me – POSTCARD #51
And so we tip over the halfway mark into the abyss with #51 ‘Found In An Old Man’s Belongings’.
Thank you, M from USA.
Found In An Old Man’s Belongings
You know those days where your cat won’t curl up with you? Where it sits close enough to touch, but with it’s back to you. That’s how Celie was. Her languid body sprawled beside mine but her mind elsewhere. If I ignored experience and attempted to embrace her she would silently endure. Then leap from the bed. I’d watch her saunter down the hallway with an understanding of what all those cat-haters were on about.
Celie didn’t care for pets. That’s how she said it, with her slight accent and proper English. I told her that was an interesting turn of phrase because that was the whole point – you cared for them. She shrugged and replied that French was far more interesting a language. I stared out the window until Celie sidled up and stroked my face.
Let’s go for coffee, she says, and I could try to resist and make a point but there wasn’t one.
Her eyes soften at an old man sitting with his dog in the café. She sips on her coffee and tells me she will take me to Côte d’Ivoire one day. She’ll show me the markets where her Grandmother used to sell bread and biscuits. My heartbeat thunders in my ears at how casually she says this but before I can answer there is a crash. The old man has dropped his cup and the dog is yapping and Celie is kneeling gracefully beside him collecting broken ceramic and handing him the contents of his spilled wallet. She winces but doesn’t recoil as the dog leaps and licks at her face while the man thanks her.
She sits back beside me and I’ve never wanted to touch her more but I don’t because I understand. Because I’m more of a cat person anyway.
you and me – POSTCARD #50
Well here we are! Nearly one year later and officially halfway! I’ll try and save the teary Oscar speech for #100 but I would like to thank everyone who’s been kind enough to get on board and play with me. Oh and the Academy of course.
#50 was sent in by a mystery donor from Australia and I think it may have inspired a prologue to #48 featuring poor Henri with an i.
What do you think?
Reach Beyond
The flier could’ve been sitting in the mailbox for days. The edges were curled and water damaged making the words hard to read. The only reason she’d been getting her mail was because of man in the apartment across the courtyard. He kept collecting it and sliding it under her door.
She watched the flier slide onto her floorboards from where she sat in the living room with the drapes closed. It twitched for a moment as if alive and she ran and locked herself in the bathroom, climbing into the tub.
When she emerged, she padded down the hallway on her toes, leaving small wet marks on the floor like animal tracks.
She approached the flier and snatched it up quickly, along with the rest of the mail that had built up beside it, then sat and examined the flier, letting the bills and last notices slide from her lap.
Reach Beyond.
Decide what you want… Develop a new vision… Accuracy guaran…
She pushed a piece of lank hair behind her ear as she turned the page. There were handwritten words scribbled in between the brochure’s information. Underneath the picture of the grinning woman who’d completed the course and changed her life.
…your sperm for toothpaste.
…all over the table…came in little blo…her breasts
She blinked before scanning lower where the red words weren’t smudged.
I know you’re inside.
She pulled her dressing gown tighter as the front doorknob rattled. She ran through the back door as she heard the key click and turn in the front lock, and stumbled through the darkness of her backyard, disappearing down the alley behind.
The man from the apartment across the courtyard opened his own mail at his kitchen table disappointed there had been no mail to collect for his neighbour today.
good stuff that’s happened lately
Some nice stuff that’s made me smile, blush and dork out.
Two of my stories, ‘Big Girl’ and ‘It Tastes Like Rust’ were nominated for The Pushcart Prize thanks to the exceptional lit journals Jersey Devil Press and Gloom Cupboard.
I was also pretty chuffed to have my story ‘Pretty Lady” nominated by Bananafish Magazine for Dzanc Books’ 2011 Best of the Web.
There’s an interview up on Issue 3 of thelma magazine where I talk to Livia Cullen about the You and Me Postcard Project and generally dork out.
Spook Magazine also gave the project some love late last year. If you missed it you can have a peek here.
you and me – POSTCARD #49
My thanks to Rebecca from the U.S Detroit-area for sending in Postcard #49. Such a cute card, I really wanted to have fun with this one.
I guess I should also thank David Bowie… you know, for everything.
One more card to go until we’re officially at the halfway mark!
Green Apple Wine
Ground Control to Major Tom.
It’s hard not getting the song stuck in your head when we contact him like that. But since the incident it’s best to play safe.
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Dennis scans the sheet of lyrics before him and I roll my eyes. An IQ of 235 and he can’t remember a pop song.
Ground Control, did you know the stars look very different today?
Tom’s voice comes through our headsets and we lean forward and type furiously, adding data, removing.
DJ Dr. Bones just started a set. I gotta go dance. This is Panda Tom, signing off.
The smell of sour sweat hangs in the air.
Operations have been in lockdown since Tom went crazy. Dennis keeps muttering that robots aren’t supposed to go crazy and kill their crew and think they’re space pandas.
Well Tom did before he even left the station. The ship is still in the hangar but Tom is in deep space.
The program had been simple. Get Tom to make contact. Once contact was established,***Classified***. Then we bring him back.
It’s gotta be a dream.
I roll my eyes again.
Dennis, just focus on your lyrics.
He throws the sheet.
What’s the point?
Because it’s the only way he will answer us.
Ground Control!
Tom suddenly screams and we all clasp our headsets.
Grease Monkey just reported from the engine room that there’s a serious problem with this tin can.
His voice lowered
Also, planet earth is blue.
A charge of static cuts into his pause and the Company announces,
Code Challenger. All staff to safety positions. Code Challenger.
Dennis runs for the door as we crawl under our tables and Tom whispers,
Ground Control, planet earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.
